Erectile Dysfunction

[elarouss]

Hi,
i'm 38, my husband is 39. we've been married for 5 years. our only son is 4 now. the first months we had sex regularly, once or twice a week, sometimes even twice a day. then he slowed down, moved gradually to sleep in the living room. he always would say that he prefers to sleep in front of the television. 2 years after the bed separation, we had a serious discussion about it. i asked him if there is something wrong with me and he said no. i told him it's not about sex, that i can live without it, that i only need to feel loved and to have a real intimate life with him. he said he loved me. i told him about seeking counsellings to help us communicate better but he refused and said he'd never do it. he returned back to our bedroom. now we have sex only once or twice a month. we start the kissing, then he masturbates for a while to make his penis hard then it's all perfect. i don't initiate it because i don't know if he has a desire for it or not. lately, i did initiate it only because i have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now without success. so i bought an ovulation prediction kit and had to try that day. it was so regretful cos it didn't get hard at all. what makes me more sad is that he never tells me he loves me, never gives me any feedback about my haircut or my new dress. i'm not ugly at all and i'm so gentle with him. if i don't give him a hug, he never does. when i put my arms around him, he never replays. i feel like i'm hugging a rock. when we talk, it's only about our son or the house renovation or other people. i know there is something wrong with him but he would never open up. he knows how desperate i'm for a second child but he does nothing to make it happen. a friend told me to talk to him about our sex life, but when i started today, talking only about the lack of intimacy and affection in our life, not mentioning sex at all, he got very angry, started shouting and shaking his hands, saying he is sick of hearing this story, accusing me that i want to live like in a movie. he hit the wall, and went out leaving me and my son crying.
i want to know if i'm really asking for too much. is it normal that a couple can live a healthy relationship without affection signs from both parts. he said he is happy like this and has no problem with me. i love him but i'm not happy with him. his arrogance makes me very uncomfortable with him. i wish he could open up and talk to me. i would love him more. what should i do. we have no family in canada. since my son started going to preschool, he constantly asks us to give him a baby brother or sister. i think more children will help us bond. the doctor said there is no problem with me, that i should ask my husband to have a sperm count test, but i can't tell him that simply because i don't want to hurt his masculinity. please help me.

[hopefulman]

Hi,

I'm a man suffering from intermediate ED. This means sex has been a difficult subject and has led to loss of intimacy and a strain on my marriage, though not as severe as sleeping apart. My immediate response was clear but difficult in both options. The first was that your husband has chronic ED, in which case he finds any sexual intimacy humiliating and so avoids it at all costs. I know how this feels as a man, but the solution really is for him to own up to you that this is behind his behaviour. Its difficult, but ultimately better than how you are living now, and easily treated with viagra etc. He has to realise he is more of a man by facing up to the problem than by running from it.
The section option is that he no longer wishes to be in the relationship, but whether for the sake of the family or whatever, cannot face leaving so chooses separation. I appreciate this is a much more difficult option but you still have to find out if you are to be happy in your life.
But either way, you must not back down from confronting this. You are right to seek physical intimacy and affection in your marriage, and cannot go for years without it. You will end up very unhappy and you deserve a better life than that which you have now.

[AUTOFIXER]

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
FIRST OF ALL YOUR HUSBEAND SHE BE LUCKY THAT HE HAS A LOVING WIFE WHO WANTS TO HELP RESOLVE THE PROBLEM IN THE BED ROOM.I AM 48 YEARS OLD AND I DEVELOPED ED AROUND 8 YEARS AGO,NOT ALL THE TIME BUT ENOUGH TO CAUSE A PROBLEM IN MY MARRIAGE.I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY WIFE HAS HAD NUMEROUS AFFAIRS OVER THE YEARS AND OF COURSE SHE BLAMES MY ED.
ITS VERY HARD FOR A MAN TO COME TO TERMS WITH NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE A ERECTION ONCE LIKE IT USE TO BE WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER.IT IS A VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR A MAN BECAUSE HE FEELS LIKE HIS WHOLE LIFE IS OVER ONCE THIS BEGINS TO HAPPEN.OUR EGO GETS IN THE WAY AND WE ALSO ARE VERY EMBARRESSED OVER THE WHOLE ISSUE SO WE TEND NOT TO ADDRESS IT AND TRY TO AVOID THE ISSUE.THANK GOD THERE ARE TREATMENTS TODAY TO HELP US GUYS BUT THAT ONLY FIXES THE PHYSICAL PART,ITS THE MENTAL ISSUES WE ARE LEFT WITH.
GOOD LUCK WITH THIS PROBLEM AND ANY ADVICE I CAN GIVE PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WRITE ME BACK.

[desperate4help]

I feel for you so MUCH! Just want you to know that there are other women out here who feel the same way.
I, too, am unable to REACH my man on these issues, he keeps telling me that I need to calm down, and stop bugging him about this. He will not address the problem with me at all either.

I will keep working on it and let you know if I can make any progress.

[anette]

My husband has never dealt with his ED. He would never go to a doctor or consider Viagra, I begged and finally I felt so humiliated I stopped asking. The first few years of our marriage I tried every sex trick I read about to arouse him. Sex went from seldom, to him trying and failing, tome pleading for him to see a doctor. He refused to see a doctor. We have been married 15 years, things turned silent between us and we tried to pretend the ED did not exist and just never even initiated any discussion. I felt humiliated, he wouldn't talk. Now we have separate bedrooms, and live like polite strangers in some bizarre twist on what I thought marriage would be about. At this time it is simply not feasible financially to divorce. So basically what I am telling you is we have not had sex for over six years and before that the attempts were few and far between. I have never sought sex outside the marriage, that to me is so unethical it is not a consideration. So I have become (unwillingly) a celibate.

I hope you will have better luck getting your husband to seek medical help.