[MollyPitcher]

If feel so alone. I have no one to discuss these issues with.

My husband is 61 and I am 56. We have been married for over 30 years. Sex was great fun for many years. The ED came on very gradually -the first thing I noticed were erections a little on the limp side--the change was so subtle I wasn't even sure at first if there was any difference. He was probably in his mid fifties at the time.

About a year or two ago he was diagnosed with a pretty serious case of adult onset diabetes. He did a remarkable job of managing it and bringing it under control very quickly. However, by then the ED problem was more significant. The doctor gave him ED medicine samples to try so he could determine what might work best for him. The pills helped only a little, but he kept trying them out, hoping for better results. Then he developed a vision emergency and it was determined that the meds might have contributed or caused the trauma so he doesn't use them anymore.

We still have sex all the time. My husband uses a woman's nylon (knee-high) stocking to tie off the base of his penis. This is the only way he would be able to get and keep his penis erect enough for penetration. Even with this method he still has to hold his penis at the base--so his hand is always between him and me. This makes it really hard for me to orgasm. He often has trouble having them also. Sometimes he just gives up.

I bought a rubber device that fits around the penis base, but leaves the top of the penis uncovered. It has a strap that hooks around the scrotum to help secure it. You put a top-less condom-like sheath over it. The condom is topless so you can fold it back to expose the upper penis.

I like it because it adds girth to his penis and there is more sensation--especially if I put one of those little ring vibrators on it, but my husband does not seem to care for it. In the past I would have pushed for something that gave me pleasure, but now I am always afraid I will make matters worse for him.

Before the ED problems, I always felt comfortable initiating sex and I did it about half the time. Now I don't know if I should. I don't want my husband to think I do not desire him, but I am also concerned that he will feel pressured to have sex when he body isn't really up for it physically. What is the best way to handle this?

The ED had changed the dynamics of our relationship outside of the bedroom. I feel he is trying too hard to be nice to me all the time. I can't help but wonder if he is afraid he will lose me. It breaks my heart that he would have to live with this much anxiety I don't know what to say to him about it. These communication problems are developing because I am afraid of making the situation worse for him--emotionally and therefor physically.

[EDAOL]

[quote="MollyPitcher"]If feel so alone. I have no one to discuss these issues with.

My husband is 61 and I am 56. We have been married for over 30 years. Sex was great fun for many years. The ED came on very gradually -the first thing I noticed were erections a little on the limp side--the change was so subtle I wasn't even sure at first if there was any difference. He was probably in his mid fifties at the time.

About a year or two ago he was diagnosed with a pretty serious case of adult onset diabetes. He did a remarkable job of managing it and bringing it under control very quickly. However, by then the ED problem was more significant. The doctor gave him ED medicine samples to try so he could determine what might work best for him. The pills helped only a little, but he kept trying them out, hoping for better results. Then he developed a vision emergency and it was determined that the meds might have contributed or caused the trauma so he doesn't use them anymore.

ANS: Try adaptogenic herbs and hormone precursors instead: ex: American ginseng, Siberian ginseng, Ashwaganda, Maca, DHEA, Pregnenolone. Don't take adaptogenic herbs when there is a bacteria or virus involved.

We still have sex all the time. My husband uses a woman's nylon (knee-high) stocking to tie off the base of his penis. This is the only way he would be able to get and keep his penis erect enough for penetration. Even with this method he still has to hold his penis at the base--so his hand is always between him and me. This makes it really hard for me to orgasm. He often has trouble having them also. Sometimes he just gives up.

I bought a rubber device that fits around the penis base, but leaves the top of the penis uncovered. It has a strap that hooks around the scrotum to help secure it. You put a top-less condom-like sheath over it. The condom is topless so you can fold it back to expose the upper penis.

I like it because it adds girth to his penis and there is more sensation--especially if I put one of those little ring vibrators on it, but my husband does not seem to care for it. In the past I would have pushed for something that gave me pleasure, but now I am always afraid I will make matters worse for him.

Before the ED problems, I always felt comfortable initiating sex and I did it about half the time. Now I don't know if I should. I don't want my husband to think I do not desire him, but I am also concerned that he will feel pressured to have sex when he body isn't really up for it physically. What is the best way to handle this?

Ans: Be completely revealed about what is going on for you. Withholding feelings and thoughts will drain your energy and create relationship problems.

The ED had changed the dynamics of our relationship outside of the bedroom. I feel he is trying too hard to be nice to me all the time. I can't help but wonder if he is afraid he will lose me. It breaks my heart that he would have to live with this much anxiety. I don't know what to say to him about it. These communication problems are developing because I am afraid of making the situation worse for him--emotionally and therefor physically.[/quote]

Ans: Be completely revealed about what is going on for you. Withholding feelings and thoughts will drain your energy and create relationship problems.

[stljc]

Don't ignore it or avoid it in discussion. Let him know your feelings and that you still want the closeness and intimacy with him.
Good luck. I wish you both well.

[DrQuantum]

I am sure this is very painful for you. But, here is a perspective that may give you some hope. The loss of virility is a very, very traumatic thing for a man. It is essentially the loss of manhood. I suppose it is much like a mastectomy would be to a woman. The loss will require a grieving period. He is very confused and is not sure himself what will help. He does not know if he wants to talk about it or just deal with it alone. He is probably fighting a mental battle trying to figure out what there is in the future for him if he cannot find any help for the ED. He will essentially need to remake his life and find something that will occupy the energy that he used to put into sex (either the anticipation, the fantasy, or the act itself). I am sure this is a loss to you as well. Perhaps if you frame the discussion around the mutual sense of loss and simply let feelings flow out rather than try to give an answer to everything, there will be a common ground to explore this. Professional help may be needed at some point as well. I am not aware of ED support groups but based on the postings in this forum, there certainly needs to be support of some kind.

I wish you the best with this and God bless you for trying to be sensitive.

Dr. Quantum