[Guest]

I'm 42 and have been married for 6 years now. I have two wonderful boys aged 3 and 5
When my wife, now 33, and I got married our sex life was wonderful. After the birth of our first child our sex life deteriorated some what which is quit understandable with libido and all that. Then after the second child was born our sex life was not much to be desired - maybe once or twice a month. I then noticed that I was always the one to initiate any form of sex and if I did not do anything, nothing would happen. We had a “chat” recently and she told me that she can’t stand sex and that it is not part of her life any more. She hardly thinks of it and never has the desire to do anything. I was told as well that if we do have sex, she feels violated and the thought of me coming inside of her disgusts her. I feel like a rapist. This really hurt because I see myself as being a very good farther and husband. I have sacrificed alot of things in the past to keep our marriage alive and one of the greatest pleasures was to make loving love to her. Now the question is - is this normal among married couples and can the damage that was done be rectified?

[Guest]

It sounds as though your wife has some kind of psychic conflict which probably has little to do with sex. Will she agree to see a therapist? Perhaps she'd go if you agree to go as well. As to your question. No, this is not a normal thing. A good marrige includes physical intimacy. Since your sex life was once good, at least as far a you were concerned something has happened to cause her to feel this way. She may be afraid of more childbirth or could also be depressed. I am a woman and was in a very poor marriage with a man who once said to me that women were dirty, they had one hole for everything, among other things. He suffered with premature ejaculation which I now think he could have overcome if we'd had more sex. We had four children and I tried to stay married but eventally threw in the towel. I never remarried but had two wonderful lovers over the course of my life. I only regret that I was not married to a normal man who could have given me a normal sex life with lots of hugs, tender lovemaking and a shoulder to lean on.
[quote] I'm 42 and have been married for 6 years now. I have two wonderful boys aged 3 and 5
When my wife, now 33, and I got married our sex life was wonderful... [/quote]

[Guest]

She is in serious needs of counseling. This is abnormal and is not only very unfair to you, as a normal, viral man and husband, but to her, as she is missing out on a lot of love and physical pleasure.

I guess I might ask does she love you? Has she fallen out of love with you? That is, can you still hug her and kiss her - is sex the only thing that disgusts her, or it it simply physical closenes or intimacy? If she is fine with non-sexual love, then maybe you should concentrate on that - try to be close to her, but not sexual for a while and see if she loosens up. It does seem somehow she has identified sex as something bad. (Thought - maybe she has actually been raped after the birth of one or both sons and has failed to tell you about it? Sure sounds like something traumatic has happened.)

Otherwise, and if she won't seek professional help, resign yourself to a sexless marriage. Knowing that she may be thinking of you as rapist when you have sex is not a good thing at all, so even your monthly sessions are probably now history.
[quote] I'm 42 and have been married for 6 years now. I have two wonderful boys aged 3 and 5
When my wife, now 33, and I got married our sex life was wonderful... [/quote]