Testosterone Deficiency

[livingwith]

I have been married for 14 yrs.and have thought from the beginning that my husband’s sex drive is not “normal!” In the first 2 yrs of our marraige I actually asked him if he was gay because it seemed like sex was not a priority for him. Like a previous posted message, I too was the initiator of almost all sexual activity. I gave up on this after a few too many painful rejections.
We are currently in counseling and between the counselor and myself trying to figure out why my hu...Read the full article

[learningaboutT]

ABSOLUTELY get him to a doctor. Have him tested, there's no shame in having a medical problem.

It is making a difference in my marriage. Before he went to the doctor there was no sex at all if I didn't initiate. Now we know why.

Encourage him to take that first step.

[cbaum1071]

Thank You for your feedback! With your personal experience in this arena, I'd be interested in your thoughts on a couple things! First off my husband is 45, I don't know if there's an average age that this becomes a problem for men; although as I said, he's always had what seems to me like less of a sex drive than myself and I'm really just a "normal" person in that respect.

Secondly, the other night when I was on the website, I opened the "quiz" and asked my husband if he'd answer "some questions" for me. I didn't tell him what it was about or what my thoughts are. He answered no to virtually every question, except the one about libido, which he hemmed and hawed over giving me an answer to!

I noted the info here on the site, about hypertension playing a role in testosterone deficiency, so I'm wondering how that ties in and what to look for! My husband felt fairly confident in saying that he doesn't believe he lacks energy or that he's frequently fatigued. Although, I do have to say it's become abundantly clear to me that he's not as healthy as he used to be. He will now frequently catch colds and bugs going around that he used to shrug off w/ease. I've also noticed that he seems to be experiencing an ongoing low grade sinus infection. He doesn't even seem to be aware of it!

He is due to meet with his heart doctor next month, who is monitoring his hypertension and cholesterol and will have to give blood prior to his visit. I'll ask him if he can ask the lab to add a testosterone level check to the blood work!

Part of the difficulty in our situation is that my husband is very anti medication and health problems in general. He's always been very healthy and had no issues and seems to abhor illness in others, so when I make suggestions to him about something I think may be going on with him, he tends to be very resistant! You can be sure I won't give up though!!

Thanks!

[learningaboutT]

Hi again, it is absolutely ALL tied together.

My husband is 44. His problems seemed to start last year. He also has high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and some extra weight around his tummy.

For months and months he would not admit to having any problem, just "stress" or whatever excuse he thought of that particular day.

Finally when I talked with him about the fact that he hadn't touched me in a week (we had been married for less than one month!), he agreed there was a physical problem and agreed to see a doctor.

Men don't like to talk about it, generally, because it seems to make them feel less manly.

Anything you can gently say or gently do to persuade him that this is a physical, medical issue, makes it far less of a stigma for him to admit to. Anything that you say or do to imply he has sexual or emotional or relational problems will make him keep denying there is a problem. (i.e., stress the medical benefits rather than just the sexual benefits of treating with a doctor)

This is a long, unpleasant road. However, it does seem to steadily be getting better, going on nearly 4 months of Testosterone replacement therapy. Best wishes!

[cbaum1071]

Thanks again for your time!

We had a counseling appt. today and these issues were discussed! He agreed he would do the bloodwork and be tested.

Suffice it to say though that between past conversations on this subject and the comment he made today it's been a very hurtful road for me. He has a habit of laying the "no sex" issue at my door, over and over! I'm "not likeable," "he's not attracted enough to me," and today, (we own a business and work together), he's tired of being around me "24/7" and the last thing he wants when we're home is to "have sex with me!"

I don't know what to think or feel anymore, but I've been neglected and verbally poked and prodded enough that all I do know is, that things have to change between us and SOON, or I have to leave! I can't take things the way they are anymore! I left the counselor's office in tears, couldn't face going back to work and frankly, I think I left the counselor tongue tied and speechless! Of course, it didn't help that he was yawning through the whole appt.(the counselor)

Thanks for your encouragement!

[learningaboutT]

I totally can relate to what you are going through. It IS very painful for the wife when the husband refuses to admit that there is a problem on his side. My husband did that too. "You never fix yourself up anymore" (NOT true after one month of marriage) or "You have gained weight" (I had actually LOST weight when he said that to me).

Then when I confronted him with the truths about his statements, and he knew he couldn't use those as excuses anymore, it became "I'm stressed" or "I'm tired" or "I don't feel good." Well after a month of that, those excuses didn't work anymore either... he was running out of excuses.

Your husband refusing to take any responsibility for or even show any interest in trying to fix the problems in your marriage is a real problem. I definitely understand, and if my husband hadn't agreed to see a doctor, or at least agreed to talk with me realistically about what was really going on, I certainly would have left.

Guys, I hope you are listening to the message here. It is not about a wife leaving a husband for no sex. It is about a wife leaving a marriage where there is no communication.

[felix]

I have to say that most men are the same way and it will be really hard for him to accept it if there is something that he needs help with. Nothing is ever their fault and certainly not when it comes to anything manly. My husband even had me thinking that I was abnormal because I liked sex. To me it is something that you share only with each other and is special. A special way of disclosing how we feel about one another. Without it, neither of us is special. I need intimacy and always will and he knows this. Does this make me abnormal? He wants me to be happy but not badly enough to do anything about it. There are other ways to make love besides intercourse. I feel that he has really let me down and I don't think I can ever recover. Have been to counseling and and I am full of anger. how could he let slip away something that was so special!

[felix]

I know exactly how you feel. had he not said these things to you before the appointment. Did he only say them during the counceling period. What a shock that was to you. My husband is 78 and I am 74 but we have been arguing about sex for about 10 years. he has many health issues but none that should cause a lack of secual desire. He does admit to not wanting sex and swears to God that is has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I do not believe this. I feel that it has to be me. He has gone as far as to make me feel that there is something wrong with me because I still desire sex and he does not. He says this is just where he is right now. Says he thinks about it but does not desire it. The sex in itself is missed but I miss the sexual intamacy too. No hugs, kisses, hand holding compliments, laughs, all the things that I loved about him for almost 30 years. It is like living with a room mate or my brother and I would leave tomorrow if I new where to go. Don't put up with this for too long. You are young enought that you can still have a life with some one else. I feel that I am too old but Oh how I miss what we once had and I don't think I could ever get over the hurt he has caused me. I cry every day because I miss so much the man that I married. He was the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my life. Still is a nice guy but not a good partner. He knows that he has broken my heart but does nothing to make it better. So, he started on the jell just today because I asked him too. His testerone level is 156, very low. He is tired all of the time and just is not any fun to be with. Forget the sex, just be kind and loving to me. Like I said, don't let this ruin your life as we have. It is too late for us - don't let it be too late for you.